Why We Don’t Open the Mail: The Psychology of Falling Behind on Your Mortgage
DISTRESSED HOMEOWNER SERIES · PART 2
What I learned from losing a home to foreclosure, and how to take the first step when you’re frozen. By Jesse J. Rivas, REALTOR® · Updated November 2026
| The short answer Avoiding mortgage problems is a common, well-documented reaction. Researchers call it the “ostrich effect”: people avoid information they expect to be bad because knowing feels worse than suspecting. Shame and money stress make it stronger. The way out is to make the problem smaller and more concrete: open the mail, get one number, and take one step this week. |
My story
| I lost my home to foreclosure. It was one of the toughest times of my life, but I learned plenty of lessons since then, and I’m here to share what I’ve learned about losing a home to foreclosure. The resources are there for you; you just have to know where to find them. If I knew what I know now, I would have acted differently. Let’s move forward. I’m here to help you out. Take a look at my blog below, and please reach out with any questions. I’d love to help. |
The ostrich effect: why smart people avoid bad news
In 2009, economists at Carnegie Mellon, Niklas Karlsson, George Loewenstein, and Duane Seppi, described the ostrich effect: people avoid exposing themselves to information they fear will hurt. In their data, Scandinavian investors looked up their portfolios 50% to 80% less often when markets were down.
Later research on everyday banking found the same thing. People check their accounts less when their finances are worse. As researchers at the University of Virginia’s Darden School put it, having definite knowledge of a problem feels worse than just suspecting it, so not looking lets us keep some hope.
With a mortgage, that instinct is dangerous, because California’s foreclosure process runs on fixed deadlines whether we look or not.
Four things that keep homeowners frozen
| What it feels like | What’s really going on | What helps | ||
| “If I don’t open it, it isn’t real.” | The ostrich effect: avoiding bad information to avoid pain | Open mail with someone you trust. Put it all in one folder. | ||
| “I can’t tell anyone.” | Shame turns a money problem into a judgment about who you are | Separate the event from your worth. Tell one person. | ||
| “I can’t think about it right now.” | Money stress uses up mental bandwidth for day-to-day survival | Shrink the task: one phone call, one number, this week. | ||
| “Maybe next month will be better.” | Hope that delays action while options disappear | Ask: if next month isn’t better, what’s my plan? | ||
| Something bad happened. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Job loss, divorce, illness, a death in the family, a rate reset. Most mortgage trouble starts with life, not with irresponsibility. | ||||
How to break the freeze: five small steps
- Name it out loud. Say, or write, “I am behind on my mortgage by about ___ months.” Naming a fear makes it smaller.
- Get one number. Call your servicer and ask for the reinstatement amount. A real number is easier to plan around than a vague dread.
- Tell one person. A spouse, a sibling, a friend, a pastor. Avoidance thrives on secrecy.
- Let someone else watch the mail. California servicers must now tell you that a family member or HUD-approved counselor can request copies of your default and sale notices.
- Book one free appointment. A HUD-approved housing counselor (Visionary Home Builders in Stockton: (209) 466-6811) or a confidential conversation with me about what your home is worth.
What waiting can cost?
In 2024, the California Legislature heard testimony from homeowners who lost far more than their house. A Santa Cruz homeowner said her home was worth about $1.4 million, sold at auction for about $850,000 to pay off a $790,000 loan, and she received about $55,000 of roughly $600,000 in equity. An advocate described a 77-year-old widow whose $800,000 home sold for $50,000.
California has since added protections, including a minimum bid at the first auction and more time to sell (see Part 3). But the biggest protection is still the one you control: starting early.
A note to family members
If you suspect a parent or sibling is behind, lead with care, not judgment. Try: “I’ve noticed some stress lately. If anything is going on with the house, I’d rather help now than find out later. No lectures.” Offer to sit with them while they open the mail or make the first call.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to avoid dealing with my mortgage?
Yes. Avoiding expected bad news is a well-documented pattern called the ostrich effect. It’s common, but on a mortgage it can cost you time and options.
How do I start if I feel overwhelmed?
Pick one task: open the mail, call for your reinstatement amount, or book a free HUD-approved counselor. One concrete step reduces anxiety more than planning everything at once.
Will people judge me?
A good counselor or agent won’t. Financial hardship is common and usually starts with a life event. Confidential help exists precisely because so many people go through this.
Can you recover after a foreclosure?
Yes. I did. Credit can be rebuilt, and many loan programs have waiting periods after which you can buy again. Rebuilding starts with a plan.
Distressed Homeowner Series
- Part 1: Behind on Your Mortgage? What to Do First → https://youtu.be/fqL2Fn0630g
- Part 2: Why We Don’t Open the Mail (you are here)
- Part 3: Selling Before Foreclosure to Protect Your Equity
| About the author Jesse J. Rivas, REALTOR® (DRE #02282782) is an agent with Jesse Rivas Realty, Keller Williams Central Valley (Broker DRE #02324551), based in Lodi, California. He serves buyers, sellers, and homeowners facing financial hardship across Lodi, Stockton, Manteca, and San Joaquin County. Before real estate he spent 23 years in heavy civil construction. He went through a foreclosure himself, rebuilt his credit, and bought again. This article is general education, not legal or tax advice. Jesse is not an attorney or tax professional. |
| Talk it through, confidentially If you’re behind on payments in Lodi, Stockton, or anywhere in San Joaquin County, I’ll walk through your timeline and options and tell you what your home could sell for. No cost, no pressure, and no obligation to list. Call or text (510) 506-3800 · JesseRivas@KW.com · JesseRivas.KW.com |
Jesse J. Rivas, REALTOR® · DRE #02282782 · Keller Williams Central Valley · Broker DRE #02324551 · Equal Housing Opportunity. Laws and programs change; confirm current rules with a HUD-approved counselor or attorney.
Sources
- Karlsson, Loewenstein & Seppi — The Ostrich Effect: Selective Attention to Information (2009) — https://www.cmu.edu/tepper/faculty-and-research/assets/docs/ppaper-61264983153898-ostrich-effect-1.pdf
- UVA Darden Ideas to Action — The Ostrich Effect (Howard & Lukas) — https://ideas.darden.virginia.edu/behavior-ostrich-effect
- Nolo — California Foreclosure Laws and Procedures (updated 9/29/2025) — https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/california-foreclosure-laws-procedures.html
- CalMatters Digital Democracy — AB 2424 committee hearing testimony — https://calmatters.digitaldemocracy.org/hearings/257738
- HUD — Housing counseling agencies in Stockton, CA — https://apps.hud.gov/offices/hsg/sfh/hcc/hcs_print.cfm?searchstate=CA&searchCity=Stockton&webListAction=Search
